Have you ever thought “I could just kick myself!” in response to your behavior under stress? If that question made you wince or laugh in recognition, you were probably, at that time, in the midst of what I’m calling a “Wild Thing” reaction. In Jane Nelsen’s especially relevant book, Positive Discipline, she refers to this as the Misguided Goals of Misbehavior.
The premise to embrace is that an encouraged person doesn’t misbehave. Misbehavior is what a discouraged person resorts to, and the remedy is authentic encouragement.
People of all ages stumble around when their sense of belonging is threatened. We’re designed to crave a solid sense of belonging because it glues our mammalian society together.
As emotional detectives we are hot on the trail of a Wild Thing when we observe ourselves or someone else doing something to “make matters worse”. Ranging from mildly embarrassing to relationship-ending, these misguided responses we employ harm us instead of helping. Sidestepping this unproductive pain is possible.
Recognize what a “Wild Thing” looks like in us and in others.
- Entering into a power struggle
- babbling on when silence is needed
- resorting to tit-for-tat paybacks
- capitulating or avoiding even when the issue clearly matters
These are some examples of the range of “Wild Thing” behaviors, which fall into 4 broad categories of how our overly-stressed self acts out:
Power/Control
What it believes: “I have to be the boss to be safe”
What it looks like:
- Has to be in control.
- Is often bossy.
- Often will be rude or intimidating.
What Helps: Don’t argue. Stay calm. Focus on the problem.
Seeking Undue Attention
What it believes: “I need more attention than other people to be safe.”
What it looks like:
- Demands to be the center of attention
- Feels rejected when not at the center.
- Overreacts to things.
What Helps: Use non-verbal messages. Ignore demanding actions.
Assumed Inadequacy
What it believes: “I can’t do what is required.”
What it looks like:
- Easily overwhelmed.
- Feels insecure.
- Says “I can’t”
- Has dozens of excuses.
- Doesn’t participate as much as others.
What Helps: Try taking small steps & encourage, encourage, encourage!
Revenge
What it believes: “There’s no way I’m going to be accepted, so I’ll get even instead.”
What it looks like:
- Keeps score
- Was stuck in pain or fear in the past.
- Is deeply hurt and needs much love.
What Helps: Offer Love & Mercy, again and again and again
If you’d like to analyze your social groups further, this Misguided Goals of Misbehavior Exploration Activity may be of interest.
Understanding our Triggers is the next step toward achieving consistently more effective , mature responses.
A trigger can be anything that threatens your sense of belonging:
- something unexpected happens that makes us question our status
- not being able to preform a task that others can
- a new kid moves to town and the social structure shifts
- entering a new social group as the outsider
- new boss at work
- your partner’s former mate shows up
- your nemesis’ presence
- unexpected embarrassment or rejection
Our Wild Thing responses can be further exacerbated by the presence of the H.A.L.T. fearsome foursome: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired
Once you know the attributes and can recognize the triggers, you’re ready to devise some soothing strategies until the encouraged state of being can be restored.
These come in three flavors: distraction, redirection, or transcendence, with the goal of restoring your encouraged state of being.
There are many tools that help. Take a look at Soothing & Redirecting the Wild Thing WIthin for ideas of what to do when you meet any of the Wild Things in yourself or others.
Distraction
- Ask for or offer a break
- Look away
- Take a deep breath.
- Look for the humor or irony in this.
Redirection
- Remember something good about who ever is being the Wild Thing
- Offer sincere encouragement
- Offer a reflective observation
Transcendence
- Don’t take anything personally
- Don’t assume what happened is about you.
- Realize someone else could go through this with an entirely different response, which means this response is optional.
These are some of the ways to become familiar with our patterns and those of the ones we are closely linked to in life. Try soaking it up on a deeper level by considering how different types might interact:
- Control types often irritate Revenge types.
- Assumed Inadequacy types baffle Control types.
- Control types often push Assumed Inadequacy types further into their sense of inability.
- The feelings of Undue Attention types are often dismissed by almost everyone, but especially Assumed Inadequacy type.
Not everyone who grows older grows wiser. The path to maturity includes being able to soothe ourselves and redirect our energy, especially when we are discouraged and having the impulse to let our Wild Thing handle the situation. You begin by managing yourself; but these concepts are also a way of being more effective with others when they are in that state. Everyone gets triggered, in time we can learn to rapidly offer encouragement to ourselves and others in order to transcend.
This material was recently presented in the free weekly Well Being 101 Meetup group, https://www.meetup.com/Well-Being-101/ via Zoom. You are welcome to join us as we explore the many basic tools of Being 101.
Special thanks for wildlife Photo by Andre Mouton on Unsplash
