Keeping Good Character On Track

Good character is built by being honest, kind, fair, and brave simultaneously. If your character isn’t as grand as you’d like, maybe you have a wrong desire embedded in your heart.

These are four desires that commonly derail our good character choices:

• The desire to be liked
• The desire to have the most
• The desire to be in control
• The desire to prove you’re right

There’s nothing wrong with being in charge, being right, being liked, or having the most. Throughout our lives we encounter people holding these positions with healthy, gracious energy. Being any of these four things is not inherently bad. But desiring to be any of the four has a way of twisting our good character beyond recognition.

The desire to be liked can have us turn ourselves into a pretzel to win the approval of whoever it is we esteem more than our own good sense. We may turn our back on a brave and bold responses if it will cost us the acceptance we prize more than integrity.

The desire to have the most immediately puts a soul at odds with being fair. Note carefully that having the most isn’t usually the problem, it is desiring to have the most that is corrosive to the peace on earth that depends on the just distribution of resources.

The desire to be in control also impinges on fairness. Many a natural born leader came to this world to share his or gift. Don’t mistake that wonder with the desire to control, which is a few shades darker than the desire to express one’s talent. When a desire for control is realized it often strips others of their autonomy, which is unfair to everyone involved. When this is done manipulatively it breaches the honesty segment of good character as well.

The tedious and annoying desire to be seen as right is an irritating form of unkindness that uncouples us from respectful relationships. Born of some innate insecurity, the power struggle for the title of being right is kin to craving control.

Each of the four of these can be seductively masked, but their ugliness bears out in the end. To the degree any of these four is present in your modus operandi (M.O.), you are denigrating your own solid standing with your chosen society of partner, family, friends, and greater community.

While these are truly detrimental, please encounter them for the space of this day without shame or blame. Just slip off any false face you normally wear and bravely seek to know what it really is like for others to experience us as we manifest any of these four desires. Step inside the role of any soul who has come up against us while we are in full pursuit of one of these four desires. Can they see us as kind, honest, brave, and fair when we give in to any of these desires?

Without the soul-crushing weight of shame, let yourself feel sad, or even sorrowful, for inflicting any of these desires upon our precious relationships. It is a privilege to be joined to others and to belong, and this privilege caries the responsibility of being perpetually, determinedly honest, kind, fair, and brave.

While not sinking into shame, we move forward by honestly assessing our self to correct our error. This is the great honor of our existence: finding our error and attempting to correct it. The more frequently and consistently we do this, the more resilient we become. As we stay conscious of the accumulation of these honest insights, we are building our resolve to not succumb to the former patterns that allowed us to pursue our unhealthy desires unchecked.

• Being honest with our self is the first step. Before we can give honesty in relationships with others, which is the bedrock of authentic relationships, we must be honest with our self.
• Let everyone matter, and you will always matter as well. The truly kind souls among us are liberated from the toxic need to impress others and are free to simply love.
• Check your desires for fairness. Does the realization of your dream come at a price for another? The best way forward is along the win-win path. Open your mind and heart to mutual happiness and a world of fresh possibilities will flood your awareness.
• Find the courage to work interdependently, where shared decision-making and group-mind are valued. This is the height of social maturity for anyone who came to this life with a talent and/or a desire for control and fosters justice for all.

Making any of these shifts, whether subtle or extreme, will keep our train on track and our character headed in the right direction.

A discussion of this material was recently presented in the FREE weekly Well Being 101 Meetup Group, https://www.meetup.com/Well-Being-101/ via Zoom. Use this link to RSVP. You are welcome to join us any Tuesday at noon as we explore the basic tools of Being 101 in the coming weeks to build our well-being.