Grownups Know The Difference Between Shame and Guilt

Want to be a grownup? Learning the difference between Shame and Guilt is a first step. Being able to name your emotion as you experience it and managing your emotions as they flow through you are two of the six steps of being an emotionally mature person. In other words, doing this work is part of being grown-up.

In teaching Emotional Literacy, I use an emotional ladder I derived from the work of Dr. David R. Hawkins from his intense book Power vs. Force. This ladder simply serves as a consistent reference point a family or group of people can refer to commonly. I’ve used this ladder for 15 years with the children and adults in my work and it has been a durable tool.

It is good to explore the ladder by moving from the bottom to the top. In trying to identify one’s emotion it is best to “climb” the ladder, because it is most fruitful to deal with whatever is currently your lowest emotion. The ego may want to be lofty and shout “Here I am!” from a high spot, but Wisdom is ready to do the real work beginning at the base to become stable.

Here is one important note about the emotions of this ladder, there is a healthy and unhealthy expression of each emotion, with one serious exception-Shame. Shame does not have a redeeming quality. Take note that just above Shame is Guilt. In our culture, people often blur these two emotional states. We will not. This will make you immediately stronger.

Shame is like a neurotoxin for the soul. Shame paralyzes the recipient. If your desire in shaming someone was to change the person’s behavior, you have slowed or stopped the process you want to accomplish. Shame is counterproductive at best, cruel at its worst, and damages both the giver and the recipient.

Guilt, on the other hand, is designed to be productive. (If your brain is screaming, “Oh, no it is not!” you may be thinking of experiences where people are manipulatively using “guilt” to shame another person into action.) I sort out Shame from Guilt with this simply mindset, “Shame comes to condemn, Guilt comes to convict.”

If the emotion has me feeling helpless, hopeless, or paralyzed, it is most likely Shame. If the emotion has me feeling uncomfortable (even terribly so) and looking for a release from it, this is most likely Guilt. Guilt has one very important job. Through our conscience Guilt signals when we are wrong. Simple.

Learning what to do with that Guilt signal was the chief goal of our childhood, but many adults are still confounded. Some try to hide from their Guilt in anger or try to numb it with any number of distractions (food, sex, shopping, busyness, cleaning). The ideal response to Guilt is owning it and making amends as wisely as possible to whomever has been wronged. Once you get the routine of that down and feel the cleansing relief from honestly admitting your error and the self-worth that comes from making it right, you won’t run the other way from the Guilt emotion.

As I pointed out, when your errors are manipulatively pointed out to you by another person, or beaten like a condemning drum inside your heart by your own effort, this isn’t guilt; it is Shame. Don’t answer the door when Shame comes knocking or the villagers are climbing the hill to your castle with torches and pitchforks. Instead, look for any mistake you’ve made, own up to it as swiftly as possible, and find an action to take that makes amends where doing so doesn’t further injure the person who was wronged.

This little essay is just a tiny bite of the work that goes into dealing with Shame and Guilt wisely. Chew it slowly. Learn to recognize the bitter, acrid flavor of Shame and remove it from your diet– and NEVER serve it up to others. Learn to absorb the medicinal qualities of Guilt and let it restore you to right relationships with yourself and others.

Too many people are trapped in unhealthy experiences with these two emotions due to an unclear understanding and too little practice of working with each of them wisely. Do the work to liberate yourself and others from these misconceptions. Becoming adept at recognizing and managing our emotions is the work we do for a lifetime.

This material was originally offered via Zoom in a Free monthly Well Being 101 class in August and September of 2020. If this message offered helpful information for you, please feel free to join us for upcoming sessions.