Whether we are a Pollyanna or a seasoned pessimist, our assumptions often work against us. Rather than Make No Assumptions, a better description for this third of the Four Agreements might be “Assume Repeatedly, but Never Act on an Assumption Without Further Investigation and/or Clarification”.
In the animal kingdom we are vulnerable creatures, and our brains constantly preserve our safety by making rapid assumptions on the level of danger involved in our next step. This little tendency is applied to every experience: physical, social, and emotional. This methodology of our brain has saved us every day of our lives, but it has often been wrong in ways that have gone unnoticed.
Imagine this mechanism within us is like a smoke detector installed to let us flee our home when there is a fire. The third agreement, Make No Assumptions, teaches us how to properly interpret the persistent beeping sounds in our mind so we flee when the house is on fire but not when the toast has been burned on Sunday morning.
To begin to refine our relationship with assumptions we need a few emotional tools: open-mind, open-heart, courage to be vulnerable (humility), and determined patience.
Good news: You don’t have to be great at using any of these at first. Better news: the use of this agreement will reshape your character and reputation in extremely positive ways. Best news: every relationship you have will benefit from the practice of this agreement as you become a more effective communicator.
This opportunity is a two-way street. Whether you are relaying or receiving information, this agreement comes into play.
When you are the recipient of information you can reply with a clarifying question or restate what you think you heard to verify that your interpretation of the message seems accurate to the sender.
Example 1
Wife: Do you really want us to go to your family’s annual reunion this year?
Husband: Hmm… I never thought of not going. Has something happened to upset you or have we gone too often for it to be interesting? Would there be something else you’d like us to do instead?
Example 2
Teenage son: There is no way I am going on the family road trip this year!
Parent: Going on the trip isn’t optional, but if I know what specific part of the trip is bothering you, I might be able to adjust our plans.
Example 3
Boss: We’re not awarding you your bonus this year, and if we have to cut back on staff, you will be among the first to be cut.
Employee: Am I not receiving the bonus because of my performance or because the company is having a hard time financially? And would I be let go because of performance or low seniority?
As a sender you can offer clarification in your original message and refine it in follow up responses. I think of this as Over-communicating with a Purpose in Mind. But do not confuse this with buttering someone up. We covered the ill effects of flattery in a previous blog and that form of control is to be avoided by right-hearted people. Over-communicating with a Purpose in Mind is a way to cut to the chase and equip the recipient with pertinent information from the get-go. Let’s revisit the previous scenarios to see what intentional over-communicating can accomplish.
Example 1
Wife: As you know, I’ve been having a very hard time getting along with your sister lately. After working overtime for the last three months, I can’t bear thinking of spending our one week of free time doing the annual family reunion. Is it possible we could go for just the final weekend, but spend the rest of the time alone somewhere near by?
Example 2
Teenager: I just found out I have a serious chance to intern at city hall for the month of June, which I’ll have to miss if I come on the family road trip. Since I get car sick so easily and really want this internship, could I possibly stay with Aunt Sue for the week?
Example 3
Boss: Though you haven’t been with us very long, we can tell you care about providing good service and are well respected by your teammates. It is especially hard to tell you that we are not awarding any bonuses this year because of our severely depressed sales in the last three quarters. If things for the company’s bottom line do not improve next quarter, we will be forced to decrease our sales force and you would be among the first employees to be laid off due to being among the most recently hired. Please know I will give you as much notice as I can and will always provide a good reference for you.
Here are 3 Bases to cover when you are providing clarification:
- Try to reduce the anxiety of the recipient by fully acknowledging what it is likely he or she is experiencing rather than glossing over it.
- Briefly summarize any extenuating circumstances.
- Help the recipient care about what you care about by telling them how and why it is important to you.
Don’t stand out in the dark all alone with your random guesses or make anyone else go through that experience if it is avoidable. Ask those clarifying questions, provide those clarifying details, and watch your effectiveness soar!
Once you know where you stand you can then use one of the other three agreements to respond to the message you now are more certain of understanding. If it is offensive or manipulative sidestep it like a bullfighter dodging the horns of a bull with a quick use of “Don’t Take Anything Personally”. If it is something especially challenging or taxing maybe you will reply with “Always Do Your Best” and offer up the extra-mile effort. By establishing a solid understanding of what is communicated you can now respond with the power of your truth embedded in your “Impeccable Word”. Be prepared to be amazed at the new life that unfolds for you when this agreement takes root in your behavior.
This material was recently presented in the FREE weekly Well Being 101 Meetup Group, https://www.meetup.com/Well-Being-101/ via Zoom. You are welcome to join us Tuesday at noon as we explore the basic tools of Being 101 in the coming weeks to build our well being.
