Our mindset is key to managing hard emotions. The old saying is absolutely true, that it is not what happens to us in life but what we do with it. For every person still suffering from something “unforgivable” that was done to them, someone else experienced a similar fate and handled it more effectively. We may take heart from the examples of those who have moved beyond the emotionally injuring experience. They did it and so will we.
Emotional challenges are easiest to deal with when they are fresh, but no one does it all perfectly and sometimes we must resolve an emotion that has been with us so long in an untended form that it is now calcified. Here’s the thing, emotions must be felt to be resolved. So if you distilled yours in an elixir of resentment or put yours in deep freeze unwilling to feel it at all, these must be brought to room temperature or uncorked from the dusty bottle to finally be felt.
Sometimes Life brings us a special opportunity to revisit an emotional experience through fresh eyes, to view it possibly from a different vantage point. That is a golden moment, drink that up as well. In time, anyone brave enough to feel all the feelings that arise becomes resilient in the face of pain. This is the goal in a lifetime that guarantees we eventually lose everything material. Courage is the goal; courage is the key.
Mature people, those who have become truly emotionally capable, not just those who grew old, have developed five emotional skills:
- Name their emotions
- Manage their emotions
- Recognize the emotions of others
- Manage their relationships with others
- Will wisely stop even when they don’t want to stop & start even when they don’t want to start
Being able to identify our emotions is the first step to managing hard emotions.
Here is a link to the Emotional Ladder with Self Talk Mantras I developed with my students many years ago to help them accurately identify their current emotion. Doing this is trickier than it seems, and adolescents aren’t the only ones who sometimes feel confused emotionally. The ladder we used included a small encouraging statement after each emotion.
To use this tool, begin to read each encouraging message from the bottom up. When one of them feels most soothing, that is the emotion you are most keenly experiencing at the moment. We always went from bottom to top, because the lower the emotion is, the more potent it can be. Tending to the basest emotion first is most effective. Continue to use the saying that feels most potent for a while as a mantra to fortify yourself if you are struggling with being emotionally present.
Here are a few more tips on managing hard emotions:
Anger is a secondary emotion.
Anger masks either a fear or a sadness we aren’t yet willing to process. Train yourself to determine which flavor of anger you are experiencing as a way of taking yourself by the hand to the emotion that needs to be felt. If I’m watching the news and get angry about a story I hear, I ask myself what I am feeling underneath the anger. Am I feeling uncomfortably vulnerable? That might mean I am afraid and need to deal with that. Is it triggering sad memories? Does it signal a wave of grief coming closer than I want it to? Then there is a feeling of grief or sadness that I now have the chance to resolve.
When I am in an active state of anger, it is ideal to interrupt myself. Try a few of these well known aids that often reduce the potency of the anger to something more manageable:
- A calming breath
- A few moments of silence
- Counting to ten
- Repeating a small positive message to yourself silently.
- Looking at something lovely, serene, or at least distracting
- Taking a short (or long) walk to release adrenaline
- Lowering myself into Child’s Pose, a yoga move that brings you to your knees with your forehead resting on the floor.
Different experiences of anger allow/require different distraction techniques. Experiment until you find something that works for you.
If you are prone to anger, school yourself on the Rules for Fighting Fairly… it’s only sporting. While you’re upgrading your skills take a look at The Four Agreements as a way to enhance your inner peace.
Fear is our essential guardian when it is sending a message about a true danger.
Unfortunately, we can be manipulated through false fears, can develop an overactive imagination, and can even become addicted to a fearful state. We need to weed out the specific fears that fall under the acronym of False Evidence Appearing Real. We do this by challenging ourselves and questioning the fears.
When my mom was very young and I was a toddler, we were often home alone while my dad worked the night shift. We lived in a creaky old house with maple tree limbs that scratched the roof. My clever mom taught herself to question every scary sound and come up with several possible causes. Decades later, my mom had an experience of hearing a noise at night and coming up with an explanation, but then was able to feel that there was real danger. She swiftly rose and fled her small apartment before the intruder entered. Her ability to listen without fear didn’t dull her senses when a true fear message was coming to aid her.
Many people feel fear in relation to performing. To counter this, become willing to do things poorly until you can do them well. When confronted by persistent, pervasive fear the only way past it is through it. Feel the fear and proceed in spite of it.
Grief, as we’ve been schooled, has five recognizable stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
But that little introductory sentence is summing up a powerfully complex experience that is unique for every loss and every individual. I’m including this link to a website that amplifies our understanding. For anyone currently experiencing grief I hope it will be a useful resource.
My most helpful statement to offer is that your grief is your unique expression of caring for whomever or whatever has been lost. Honor it without becoming devoted to the grief. Too much can be as detrimental as too little in this emotion. Ask yourself regarding the form it takes and its duration, is this helping or hurting me? Listen to what your inner self has to say in response. Consulting and heeding your inner wisdom strengthens it over time.
Apathy has many ways of surfacing and so many potential underlying causes.
It can be related to depression, innate temperament, our method of coping with stress that results from too many failures, or a form of control when someone feels dominated without hope of escape. Apathy should always be listened to with great care to determine what type it is so the right remedy may be applied. This is hard to do from within.
If you are in this plight, taking baby steps toward a fresh way of being is VERY appropriate. Try to encourage yourself to care again by caring for yourself. Small kindnesses will build your inner trust. Small acts of courage are huge accomplishments. For one person it may be taking a five minute walk through the yard or down the street. Another person may find improving their personal hygiene is the ice breaker. Celebrate the small steps. Hug yourself, praise yourself. You matter and your opinion about yourself matters.
If you are caring for someone paralyzed by apathy, recognize it is there for a reason and try to address anything in the environment that is a cause. Bolster the person with encouragement gently offered. It is easy to overwhelm an apathetic person and less is more when applying your care. Don’t be daunted by the resistance and cynicism you may encounter. An apathetic person is injured. Allow time to honor that healing process, but do not think that time alone is the solution here.
A life coach, a professional therapist, and possibly medication may be needed in more entrenched experiences of apathy for the suffering to end and the required trust to be reignited. Provide an encouraging, practical patience to an apathetic person, while having an expectation of small-scale improvement that will increase gradually over time.
Wherever you are on the emotional ladder, our shared goal is that we climb upward.
The emotional energy as we climb increases exponentially. I want you to know the power of the higher emotions. Courage is the key to climbing. May you have the courage to begin today, wherever you honestly are, to feel your feelings one by one, and then to let them go so you may rise.
This material was offered via Zoom in a Free monthly Well Being 101 class. If this message offered helpful material for you, please feel free to join us for upcoming sessions.
